Good evening, Ladies and Gentleman. My name is Matthew, and it’s an honor to be here today.
Today is a special day, however, it’s a big deal for me and the rest of Michael’s friends.
You see, Jessica, the man you married carries inside of him a dark secret that only I know... and it’s not that he used to work at McDonalds.
No, the dark, dirty secret that I can finally reveal tonight, in front of you all, is that my friend Michael really is as good as he seems.
I’m sorry, buddy, but it’s time for the truth to come out.
Jessica, I’ve known your husband for a very long time, and I can tell you that he’s a loyal, committed man, who cares deeply about his friends and family. And worse? Despite being the popular, good-looking jock his entire life, he’s never once use his natural advantages in life to be a jerk.
The nerve of this guy.
Michael getting married is great for me and for all the guys that know him because no longer do we have to try to compete with Mr. Perfect.
And let’s not even talk about the way you proposed; I can tell you truthfully, it takes a lot of confidence to ask a girl to marry you at a New York Knicks game.
A Knicks game, think about what that says to a woman “I hope our marriage is as successful as the Knicks”. Why not throw in some Jet’s season tickets and then top the whole thing off with Titanic wrapping paper?
But somehow you made it work, and I have no doubt that you’ll make this marriage as special and wonderful as everything else in your life.
Let’s all raise a glass to Michael and Jessica. May they have a happy life together and may Michael’s charm maybe rub off on the rest of us now that he doesn’t need it anymore. To Michael and Jessica!
Laugh Staff is built using stand-up comedians as writers and consultants. A wedding speech is the closest anyone will ever come to doing stand-up comedy, so it only makes sense to get help from professional comedians. Our comedians have worked for the likes of Howard Stern and SNL Weekend Update.